One of the most difficult lessons I am trying to learn is to forgive myself for mistakes, bad choices, things that didn’t go as I had hoped, and most importantly for not loving myself enough to put ME FIRST.
It’s amazing to look back on my life and realize that I have always been so good to other people. My happiness feeds off of helping others, putting a smile on someone’s face, helping a friend in need or teaching a child how to do something new… those things fulfill me and bring me unspeakable joy within the depths of my heart and soul. But what about me?
Many of us are taught at an early age to always think of others before thinking of oneself. Growing up, we didn’t have a opulant lifestyle. My parents worked very hard and provided the best life they could at the time. There were days where my brother and I would have to put a little water in the milk container and swish it around, so both of us could have cereal. There were also days when I would go to school with no lunch because I wanted my brother to have the rest of the salami or ham that was in the refrigerator. At a very young age, I knew that I could survive… that I would ALWAYS find a way, even if it meant being a little hungry or taking blame for something I didn’t do.
These lessons I learned were not necessarily bad, but what they did was instill this underlying vibration within my core that I do not deserve things and that I should always sacrifice my own wants, desires and needs for the sake of someone else… why? because everyone else is more important than me…. again, “I’ll survive. I’ll find a way. I can do without.”
My my my…. what this subconscious notion has done to my love life is horrific. I’m at least able to now step outside myself and look at situations objectively, without my attached emotions. It’s hard to reprogram yourself and detoxify negative energy.
It’s perfectly ok to want things and to feel a sense of deserving them. I’m learning… slowly but surely, I’m learning.